Friday 26 August 2016

To wee or not to wee: the art of toilet trips

It’s all about timing. Mid mornings and early afternoons are usually better than first thing or mid-afternoon - when the yummy mummies are on the prowl. And it’s useful to check there’s nobody dodgy-looking outside who might dash in and empty the contents of the shop into a duffel bag whilst I’m mid flow.

It’s the being on my own. It causes problems when I need the loo. I can’t just lock the front door because;

1) The Boss Erratic has spies everywhere, and she’ll know; 
2) There’s always a bunch of stock displayed outside and it would just be too much of a pain to pack it all up and get it inside every time I needed a pee.

Photo: Unsplash: Gabor Monori
No, I just need to get the timing right.

And the preparation. Preparation is key.

Firstly, it’s useful to come to work with as few layers around the nether regions as possible; layers equals delays. So jeans are better than a skirt, a tucked-in top and tights. Also, a long top is very useful. This allows for the secret unzipping of jean flies whilst still in situ behind the till, thereby reducing time needed in the loo itself. Of course, a firm hand on the waistband whilst nipping from till to loo is then required, otherwise my jeans will fall down in full view of the shop window. Not good.

If the worst happens and somebody enters the shop whilst I’m still on the pan, I have to hop off double quick and make it look like they haven’t caught me out; i.e. I have to forego The Flush (but not the handwash: I’m not a slob). I do admit, however, that this course of action is risky; if someone has any sort of inkling that I’ve been tinkling it makes me look twice as bad if they think I haven’t completed the transaction. But, of course, they’re much too polite to say.

Another tool is understanding science: what goes in must come out. So sadly, in the shop, tea is rationed.

These are the rules that shape my day. Making you jealous, aren’t I?...........

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