Oh I can’t be doing with all this Christmas giddiness. Get a grip everyone.
Firstly, all the kids are going nuts over the annual bowl of free Christmas chocolates in the Out Of Favour (OOF) shop. Calm down kids, they’re the same chocolates from last year. Literally the same chocolates (probably). They’re cheap, nasty and taste like shite. I know this because I’ve eaten most of them out of sheer boredom. Now I feel sick.
|Take note kids, too much chocolate turns you into an evil psychopath. Photo: Mojpe, Pixabay
Secondly, the local ladies are working themselves up to their annual frenzy of self-flagellation and hysteria, otherwise known as the, "Oh-Christ-I-have-to-find-a-Christmas-outfit-that-makes-me-look-young-and-thin-and-gorgeous-but-not-like-I’ve-tried-too-hard-or-that-I’m-desparate-for-the-approval-of-everyone-at-work (which I am)-and-I’ve-already-tried-every-shop-up-the-city-and-I-hate-myself-and-I-want-to-hide-away-wearing-a-potato-sack-and-eating-my-own-weight-in-Quality-Street-but-I’ve-said-I’d-supervise-the-Secret-Santa-and-promised-everyone-I’d-wear-the-twelve-days-of-Christmas-earrings-that-everyone-loved-so-much-last-year-so-I-have-to-find-something-perfect-in-the-next-five-minutes-please-please-help-me-you’re-my-only-hope," shopping visit from hell.
The stand-out candidate this year is thirty-something panic-monger Ms Dippyhead, who, after lining up a slinky backless number for the works Christmas party (from a proper shop, not us), inexplicably spent all afternoon undergoing the bizarre ritual of cupping (which, contrary to what I initially thought, isn’t some sort of personal-service bra for the kinky and the rich)*. Result? Less slinky starlet, more scaly-backed Star Trek alien.
|The results of cupping - and this is mild! Look on the internet! (actually, don't). Photo: Kitty M, www.yelp.com
Given that her works Christmas bash was sadly not taking place in a Star Trek convention (where she’d have gone down a storm), the backless idea was down the toilet and she was up shit creek without a dress.
Through the power of sheer bare-faced not really give a fuckery, I managed to fix her up with a replacement dress, which didn’t fit properly and was a tad grubby from falling on the floor too many times, but at least she wasn’t going to be mingling with her workmates looking for all the world like Europe’s first bubonic plague victim for 300 years, which is always a bonus.
*For the uninitiated: 1) Count your blessings. 2) Cupping is paying someone to stick a bunch of mini jam jars on your back (or wherever), which suck up your skin and give you the worst combination of a Chinese burn and the mother of all bruises. Apparently it’s good for you.
Thirdly’ there’s Middle Aged Man Always Around (MAMAA) Hep Cat Pensioner and his poisonous home brew. Every year about this time he toddles in, proudly swinging about his recently harvested fire juice in what is presumably a non-corrosive, anti-radioactive hip flask, and tries to make me drink the stuff. Apparently it’s a Christmas spirit and apparently this is a treat.
And lastly, even legendarily miserable MAMAA Mr Beardy Gruff seems to be losing his head over Christmas this year. It’s very disappointing. I thought I could rely on him. He came in today for his usual quick catch-up (i.e. manbitch) in his usual heavy black jacket: it’s basically welded to him; he never takes it off. When a customer annoyingly interrupted us, he did what he usually does, which is to stand quietly in the corner keeping schtum (which, incidentally, displays a level of awareness as yet undeveloped in pretty much every other MAMAA). But this time, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him slowly and silently unzip his jacket.
Amazing! It must be Christmas!
Slightly less amazing was the torrent of mince pie crumbs that subsequently tumbled out of his jacket and all over the floor……
And then he giggled. Miserable Mr Beardy Gruff actually giggled.
My most miserable MAMAA has been eating celebratory food and giggling.
|Yeah, thanks for that. Photo: Fairyist.com
The world is going mad. As I said; get a grip everyone.
Oh yeah, and happy Christmas (I suppose)…..