Is that blue fluff in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

*(Middle Aged Men Always Around)

MAMAA* Hep Cat Pensioner came in today and asked me if I wanted to see his ‘little friend’.

As you can imagine, this alarmed me somewhat.

Photo: geralt, Pixabay

He then put his hand inside his jacket, groped around, and pulled out a fluffy blue parrot puppet - which was unexpected.

I didn’t immediately catch on as my brain had momentarily jarred over some frankly terrifying images of what his ‘little friend’ might be. So I took a step back.

He took a step forward and asked me if I wanted to touch it.

Did I want to touch it…..umm….

Truth be told I thought it was a fairly bold proposition to be making in broad daylight in the middle of a busy street. But then, of course, it hit me (the realization, not the puppet); the puppet was his friend.

This was simultaneously relieving and deeply creepy.

Photo: derwerbepool, Pixabay

The puppet danced about on the end of his arm for a bit, making squawking noises and miming pecking seeds, and I obediently laughed along whilst making panic eyes at any passer-by, pleading for them to come and rescue me from this infinite pit of fun and hilarity.

But nobody did. Bastards.

Just as the laughter muscles in my face were starting to spasm, Hep Cat Pensioner stopped his puppet fiddling and told me the reason he was walking around with this blue fluffy thing on his hand was to impress the local doctor’s surgery workers. This clearly raised more questions than it answered.

Apparently, he regularly visits the local doctor’s surgery and gives them little gifts.

Proper gifts, not what you’re thinking.

OK, yes, I know gifts to a doctor’s surgery usually arrive in a glass sample jar, but this isn’t what he meant. At least, I don’t think so. Anyway, for a change, he had decided to treat them to a puppet show.

Oh lucky them.

I can only imagine their delight as, in the midst of attempting to answer three phones each, wrestle with the computer system, and cope with an impatient and never ending queue of the nearly dead and the hypochondria ridden, this weird man plants himself in front of them and starts waving a blue furry arm about and making loud squawking noises like some demented cross between Rod Hull (look it up, kids) and the weirdo on the bus that catches your eye despite your best efforts.

I bet they were overjoyed.

I should also point out that MAMAA Hep Cat Pensioner has a very pronounced stutter, which doesn’t immediately suggest guerrilla ventriloquism as the perfect career choice, but he’s clearly convinced the sparkle in his eye will make up for any oral shortcomings. I tend to think it’s the other way around; his stutter just about saves him from inhabiting the dark realms of Yucky Misguided Lecherous Fruitcake.

Just.

I still wouldn’t want to touch that parrot though.

Picture: GraphicMama-team, Pixabay